Radical Awareness
For years my work has been focused on helping women who have been profoundly hurt in various ways by men who profess to love them. Each has asked me why their chosen husband or partner treats them so thoughtlessly, disrespectfully, and even at times cruelly. Without a moment’s hesitation, I reply: “Because you let them.” After their initial shock, I gently explain to each that men who care will act in hurtful ways when they are upset because they were themselves hurt when growing up and weren’t given the basics in emotional education. The only persuasive emotion boys and men are socially allowed to express is anger. They’ve been taught that tenderness is a weakness and that it is unacceptable to the patriarchal male psyche.
Boundaries
When questioned, oppressed women become aware that they have not had a great emotional education either. They were taught from a very young age that girls and women are expected to be nice, kind, and of service for the greater good of others, and that their upsetting emotions are to be kept secret. Long ago women needed a male partner to financially provide for them and their children. As a result, men automatically declared themselves to be the “leader and authority” and that women were to play a secondary role as helpers and supporters. Radical Awareness for women means unlearning being the one always sacrificing for others and learning to be fair to herself. They must amp up their sense of value and worthiness, make and maintain boundaries with appropriate consequences, and show their determination for equality.
Fair-Minded
For men, it has become apparent they can no longer expect to be the supreme leader in their relationships with women. Radical Awareness for men requires exchanging their patriarchal mentality of authority and power, arrogance and self-generated entitlements with fair minded gentleness and sincere appreciation for their female partner and all she brings to the table. They can no longer accuse women of being over-controlling, emotional freaks in order to manipulate to get out of being responsible and accountable for doing their fair share.
Healing
Both partners must unlearn old beliefs and behaviors that have become second nature and habitual. In committed, healthy relationships both partners understand that they are two unfinished people with old unhealed wounds that each must become personally accountable for healing. Each must accept that no one else can heal them or make them happy. It is an inside job.
“Every new phase of life requires commitment to ending what is no longer useful, and dedication to beginning what is.”